Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour

:iconsonamyfan362:
The story is very tense, especially between Nico and Stella. Very well written, in general.

However, a few things required me to step back and re-read to fully comprehend.

Example 1:
"So I should wait for you at the destined place?" <- Comma missing. Usually, when we begin a word with "So", in this case, we pause. There are a few other places in the story that have a missing comma inside the dialogue.
The fix:"So, I should wait for you at the destined place?"

Example 2:
"Your friend?" asked Nico and nervously smoothed his coat. "Not really. But I know him," she said. "You need to leave now?" Stella shook her head. "After the war starts, I won´t see you anymore. I´m not going to miss the last bit of time-"At that moment, Nico pulled the trigger.

Sound of the shot echoed the abandoned cemetery. Stella looked down when the barrel of gun moved from her abdomen to the chest. The second shot hit her in the heart. If vampires have any, Nico thought coldly. With the eyes wide open, she dropped to his knees and crumbled to dust. <- So, who ends up shot? Stella? I honestly have no idea as to what happened. However, that's what I'm feeling happened. If I misunderstood it, I do apologize for miscomprehension.

Example 3:

"You were wrong," he said in the direction to where Stella had stand. "War doesn´t start at midnight. It has already begun. " <- Is Nico saying that he now hates Stella? And, how did Stella come back, if she got shot? Or, are vampires immortal? If they're immortal, you might want to input that fact somewhere inside the story.

However, despite the few hiccups, this was good read.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconlulu-illussions:
lulu-illussions Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for such a detailed review. I truly appreciate.

Thanks for lecture about comma, English isn´t my native language, so I tend to do grammar mistakes. I´ll try to remember this one.

For exapmle 2: I thought it was clear. Nicok shot Stella. There´s written "second shot hit her into heart". Her. So she got shot.

For example : No, Stella is dead. Nico is talking more to himself. Also people do this when they´re angry and they curse about someone else.
like this: Child is agruing with his mother and then agrily leaves to another room and says "you´re so unfair!" he means mother. It´s safer to scold someone who isn´t present.

Once more, thank you very much for your advices.
Reply
:iconsonamyfan362:
SonAmyFan362 Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome. I always cherish the opportunity to help out as best I can.

You're welcome for the comma advice. Many people tend to omit commas a little too much. Just for a little reference, say you're writing a scene that involves an Average Joe family, and Bob (The Dad) asks Billy if he wants to eat, sound it out a bit.

For example, a lot of people would write it like this:

"Bob asks, 'Do you want to eat Billy?'" <- A major comma error.... unless the writer wishes to make the character a cannibal. However, I doubt that people write often about cannibals.

So, in order to keep Bob from sounding like one, this simple fix is all that is needed:
"Bob asks, 'Do you want to eat, Billy?'" <- Now, the message is clear, that Bob is asking Billy if he wants to eat.

About example 3, Ok. I thought she was brought back to life. However, now that I know, it's a lot more clear. Just a quick question. Why wouldn't she miss any bit of time they spent together? Just a little curiosity that's been there for a bit.

You're welcome, my friend. I'm always willing to evaluate some more stories, if you wish.
Reply
:iconlulu-illussions:
lulu-illussions Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
"people tend to omit commas a little too much."
I, on the other hand, tent to use commas little too much. They´re used more in my language than in Engish and sometimes it´s hard to tell whose grammar I´m using:P

Nope. Stella is dead. And she wouldn´t miss that time because she has good reason to want to spend it with Nico (as they were lovers, but Nico was only using her to get close to her, so he could kill he)
Reply
Add a Comment: